What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
Last Updated: 20.06.2025 02:10
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
One cannot live in the past .
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Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
She loved him until the end.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
And i lived it daily.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Are you more of a butt guy or a boob guy?
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
She married twice! .
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
How far does good behavior take you in a prison?
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Why do North Indians, living in Bangalore, not bother to learn Kannada?
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
When she asked me how she looked .
Have you ever gone to a porn theater with your wife?
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
I have no regrets .
My ex moved on so fast. How can I overcome the pain?
I was seconnd youngest,
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
What did i know ?
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
What was it like being spanked as a kid?
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Im still living with it.
I was very sick at this time too.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
I will be 64.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Would this be the day?
I said to her
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
This is soul school!.
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
I think the readers, may guess!
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
I was 9 years of age.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
We were not on the streets..
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
We all went to grammer schools
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Comes on , in middle age.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
Who then, do I blame.?
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
Where the ultimate outsiders.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
Especially a lifetime of it.
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
She found it foreign!.
She was in good health!
But it wasn’t much.
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
But, we were locked up after school.
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
Why did i forgive my father ?
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
I don,t even have a pension.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
My family never makes their pension either.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My life is so biszare .
He resisted the act ,that day.
Was to survive, this bastard.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
I write beautiful poetry .
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I couldn’t, believe it.
He knew the spot.
(And it was in our own minds.)
So whats the point in blame.
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I was scared of men, in general
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
So, i spoilt her more .
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
As i do to all so called friends.?
They are buried together, in the same grave..
It was going to be , some day.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
She wouldn,t have been !
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
I could never make a relationship work though!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
I never cut or harmed myself..
I waited trembling.
Ive learnt so much.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
This is how, and why children get BPD.
All the time i was locked up.
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Put me off passion for life!!
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
My mum and dad in the seventies!
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.